Wednesday, November 26, 2008

One Enchanted Evening

For one shining moment, our eyes met.

Then, he was gone.

Down the back of the couch. Darn it.

Cow's tried and true system of the big box and the broom isn't working. There's a mouse in the house.

In the fold-out couch. That has springs and a mattress. Cow gingerly tried to fold it out but was afraid of crunching mouse. So, we're on Day 2. Defcon One. Red Alert.

Aside from gazing longingly at the general couch area, the cats are no help. Cow just hopes mouse comes out before the Rescue Operation turns into a Recovery Operation. Ugh.

Cow will be off-line for the holiday for several days. Have a great one, everyone, and watch your back. Should Mouse decide to Move, he might turn up in your neighborhood.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Special Thanksgiving Treat

Chicken livers. Raw.

As a special, special treat.

No, no, not for Cow. For the feral cat who has overcome his fear of humans and is now appearing at the door almost every night. Actually waits there, some nights, for Cow to come home.

He loves these. Gobbles them right up. So he will get a Thanksgiving too!

Alas. Cow has an ulterior motive. The livers will be placed, first, outside, then further and further inside a big, comfy, warm cat kennel. And after he has become comfortable going there for food, one evening the door will swing shut and he will be whisked to the vet. And come out a new man. And vaccinated, to boot.

Ah, sometimes Cow is just in awe of her logistics.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you get to see Bolt or another fun moovie! Moo!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Bolt is Amazing! 3D!

Went to see "Bolt" in 3-D. Amazing.

In fact, it was better than Quantum. So apparently all the talented people are making Dog movies now. This was funny, fun, and well worth the extra charge for the 3-D glasses. You simply must see it.

Besides, sitting in a theatre giggling at people wearing stupid glasses, and realizing you, too, look just as stupid...what could be better? But really, the movie was great! Very action-oriented.

As for TWILIGHT, Cow can only recommend that if you are older than 14, you stay home. Unless of course you can just revel in the experience, of being in a theatre where the audience screams when the 'hero' makes his appearance.

Rather than screaming, Cow felt the urge to giggle. At the white makeup, the red lips, and the oh-so--vampire-cliche hair. Really.


Friday, November 21, 2008

Vulnerability is Not a Good Defense

These tanker hijacks result in million dollar ransoms. Which, of course, are added to the cost of fuel.

Now, tanker crews are to receive training to prevent being hijacked. pirates.

Is the crew to be armed? Are guards to be hired? No. Crews are being trained to pull up the ladders instead of leaving them dangling over the side the entire trip, to make it harder for the pirates to board.

What a good idea. *snarf*


Thursday, November 20, 2008


A quaint American custom: Thanksgiving dinner, for those Land of Topiary readers residing abroad (Kevin, Scones, Linda, and assorted twaddle, and of course denizens of the mighty Congo).

Tables groaning with food, and guests groaning about...the other guests. Family traditions, you see.

Being a Single Cow of the Topiary Persuasion, Cow has at times spent a lonely Thanksgiving.

But this Thanksgiving, Cow is truly blessed with three invitations to Thanksgiving dinners! Already!

Cow rather suspects that she has been invited as leavening, to lighten Family Conversations. Of course, Cow has with joy accepted all invites, and will be travelling via Topiary G4 (just like the auto execs) from one house to another.

Timing, though, is crucial. Must arrive after the main course, but before all dessert is gone.

Topiary steps on her soapbox momentarily, and reminds Families to remember their Single Friends during the Holidays, who may, if invited, come in pretty dresses, full of sprightly conversation, and possibly may bring pies.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Imagine Cow's pleasure while perusing the grocery aisles, to find an entire basket of fancy French cheeses, marked down 90%. With cute round wooden boxes, and pictures of castles on them. And warnings of the fat content thoughtfully provided in French, the better to ignore.

Gourmet cheeses. Soft, buttery cheeses with a crust on them. Oh my.

Topiary bought three. Home, anticipation..opening...whiff....uh oh. A teensy taste later, decision.

Kept the fancy round wooden boxes. Last night being particularly cold (freezing) Cow arranged a tasteful raccoon and possum buffet of dog chow, popcorn, and French cheese.

Upon arising this morning, all was gone. Except the cheese. Even the raccoons wouldn't eat it.

Alas. Moo!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Madeleine Pickens: Coolest Billionaire

Madeleine Pickens has stepped forward, along with her husband T. Boone Pickens, to save thousands of wild horses from death.

Not for the first time, she has proved she is the coolest billionaire in America. Her previous actions rescued homeless pets from the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

Gorgeous. Generous. Principled. Cow, and indeed, all the Land of Topiary, is now officially a fan of Madeleine Pickens.


Men with Guns

Cow thinks the Saudi's could have bought an awful lot of armed protection for the money they will now be paying out in ransom.

Cow likens hijacking an oil tanker with storming the castle. Don't castle-dwellers have all the inherent advantages of dumping hot tar, shooting arrows and pulling up the drawbridge? How could they squander this advantage?

Look at this thing. Now imagine a small boat, or even a large boat, filled with hijackers, pulling up alongside. The only way Cow thinks they were able to effect this takeover was the way Napoleon conquered the heavily fortified island of Malta. Through treachery.

In the immortal words of Napoleon, "They were sold." Cow just wondering.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Nobody Does It Better

Cow admits to be rather underwhelmed by Bond's clothes. Especially the button sweater worn over a white dress shirt.

Imagine her dismay when she found that Ford. Tom Ford has seized the moment to offer up the cardigan for sale in exlusive European shops. Ugh.

Why the understated Brioni has been replaced with the sweater-for-sale Ford is beyond her, and wonders whether Ford is also responsible for the white jeans travesty seen in the Haiti part of the moovie.

Despite the dorky clothes, Quantum is still a good moovie, and highly recommended.


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quantum of Friday Night

Okay, Cow has seen Quantum of Solace twice. And she's thinking of catching the Saturday matinee in a few minutes, so this will be short.

Why do married couples come in 15 minutes late, talk to each other through the movie and noisily rustle their brought-from-home bags of food?

And why do people think the light from their phones as they text won't be visible to anybody but them?

On to the moovie.

Funny. Brisk. Kind of low on exotic scenery this time around. But interestingly, Ooona Chaplin has a part in it, which Cow missed the first two times. So, she's returning to try to catch that this time. Also, why they dressed Daniel Craig in the world's dorkiest outfit (white jeans and black shirt) is beyond her. But other than that, worth waiting for. And worth seeing again.


Friday, November 14, 2008

Office Snoop Update

The snooper is being really nice. Apparently, she is in fear of losing her job. Ha!

So, the file seeding was a success. Topiary Cow thanks everyone for their support and will keep them posted as developments occur.

Thankful, gracious Moo!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Weekend roundup

Cow did go to the moovies this weekend, though since the Big Moovie starts next weekend (Bond. James Bond) it was rather a let-down.

Here's the roundup:

-Role Models. Judging by the first 2 minutes, which was all Cow could force herself to sit through, it truly is a miracle that this moovie made $19 million on opening weekend. Gaaa. Gross. Awful.

-Appaloosa. Gack. Viggo Mortensen was great. But even his talent couldn't keep Cow in the seat for more than the first hour. Rene Zellwegger was dreadful. Totally cringeworthy.

-Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. When Cow was little, she was too scared to sit through 101 Dalmations. And all these years later, she was too scared to sit through Madagascar. Why does Disney always take the cutest, cuddliest lion cub and point a gun at them? Lasted 9 minutes.

-High School Musical. They can sing. They can dance, even in the rain. They're young and gorgeous. But with all the moolah this moovie makes, can't they find a dress which doesn't gape open at the back? This was the funniest goof Cow had seen for a long time.

Next week: Bond. James Bond.




Cow made graphs, purporting to show the comparative productivity of everyone in the office, using imaginary "indices" and surprise! showing Snoop as least productive.

There are also notes from an imaginary meeting with the boss, strategizing layoffs, and Surprise! showing Snoop as the number one candidate for layoff.

Cow also made up some phone records showing the amount of time spent on personal calls, showing, Surprise! Snoop spending the highest amount of time on personal calls. But she decided that was overkill. Ha!

Cow will keep her imaginative readers posted of developments, and thanks them all for their suggestions (Cow carefully hiding the exploding dye pack and mousetrap for use later).


Monday, November 10, 2008


Cow has known for a while that the cubicle-dweller next door searches Cow's desk and files.

This morning, Cow found a document she'd left upside down on purpose, in her files, now right side up.

This person has waged a campaign since the day she was hired to make Cow uncomfortable and force her out, presumably because she wants Cow's better-paid position.

Where is management in this hostile working environment? You may well ask. Why are totally incompetent managers allowed to go on forever? One only needs to look at the veritable stampede out the door of good, qualified employees from this department to know something is wrong. But no one ever, ever looks at managers, apparently.

So, the question facing Cow this morning (aside from re-intensifying her job search) is, should she "seed" the files? With some fake documents, just for this file-searcher to find? Oooh, it is tempting, to make up a bunch of outrageous things and file them just to be "found."

Will this make it worse, or just provide Cow with some amusement?

Friday, November 07, 2008

Happy Endings

Cow feels modestly proud of her abilities and technique and must share her success (humble moo!)

The cat which sleeps in the garage at night (he refuses to stay in the house, and don't worry, it's warm and there are comfy blankets there for him to sleep on) started meowing loudly last night around midnight.

Rubbing stray Topiary from her eyes, Cow went to let him in. In he comes, along with a running small dark shape. Yep, a mouse.

Immediately, the two inside cats joined with the garage cat to chase this most fun plaything.

Cow grabbed all the cats and tossed them outside the bedroom, shutting the door firmly on their disappointed faces. Getting the broom and a large cardboard box, which she put on the floor, open side facing toward the area the mouse was last seen in, she started cautiously sweeping toward the box. After a couple false starts (mouse hiding behind chair) it worked like a charm.

Mouse ran into box, Cow grabbed box, placed upright with mouse in the bottom, carried him out and gently put box sideways on ground so mouse could easily run out.

Cow accomplished this capture-and-release in less than 5 minutes. Rather proud of herself this morning.


Thursday, November 06, 2008

Boom Cars

How annoying the booming is. Cow is so grateful the neighbors who blasted out this noise mooved.

Apparently, others acknowledge this problem.

Reading this site made Cow even madder. Why does something have to be a huge problem before common sense prevails?

Accidents caused by texting drivers, health and sanity threatened by 'boom cars' oh my.

Cow wouldn't be surprised to know that these booms stunt the growth of Topiary.


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Weekend Reading

Cow spent a delicious weekend reading "Ticket to Ride" by Larry Kane.

Kane is a news journalist who was assigned to cover the Beatles visit in 1964 by his station manager. Instead, he was invited by Brian Epstein to join the entire tour and was even invited back for the 1965 tour.

The book is interesting but the best part is the CD included in the back. In it are the actual tape-recorded interviews by Kane with all of the Beatles over the two years. Fascinating, filled with background noises and really gives you the feeling of being there.

As an aside, Cow thinks about so many of the really successful groups and thinks some success comes from having more than one lead singer. For instance, the Beatles had alternating leads of John and Paul, but then threw in tracks sung by George and Ringo.

Fleetwood Mac, had Lindsey Buckingham as well as Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie singing their beautiful hearts out. The Mamas and the Papas, alternating singers. Cow is sure there's others as well.


Important Phone Call

*ring* *ring*

Someone's calling the Land of Topiary Landline! How exciting!

Topiary: Green greetings!

Obama: We need a Minister of Topiary. Someone with a deep knowledge of the history, lore and international ramification of Topiary Policy. Someone with a light touch, yet sharp shears.

Topiary: Topiary is ready to fill this Most Important Post. (Topiary quickly amending her resume to include multiple big, important Political Appointments)

There, that was easy! Now, on to influencing Global Topiary Policy, Preventing Global Topiary Warming, and Protecting Topiary Polar Bears!


Monday, November 03, 2008


Cow is really looking forward to a Quantum of Solace.

She would even settle for a quantum sufficit, a quantum jump, a few quantum field theories, or even some quantum statistics.

Yup. Just as long as they come with Daniel Craig.

His last moovie, Casino Royale, was perfection with the ending scene view of Lake Como with Topiary in the foreground. Everything Cow wants in a moovie, and more!

Photo shameless stolen from Gorilla Bananas. (Topiary sending a package of freshest Bananas to the Congo in penance).