Sunday, November 29, 2009

Weekend Moovie Roundup

Have you ever seen a moovie that was so bad, you wished you could rinse out your brain to remove all traces of it? So bad, that you immediately attended and rented as many other things as you could, to supplant the memory of it?

So bad, that you resolved NEVER to see a moovie again without at least checking a few reviews or Rotten Tomatoes?

"Spread" with Ashton Kucher is that moovie. So bad, there's really nothing to say....wait a minute, there IS something!
-why on earth is a selfish manipulative loser supposed to interest us?
-why is a disquisition on other selfish, rich losers supposed to interest us?
-what's with the suspenders, looking so riduculous?
-what's with wearing the same ugly belt in every scene?
-Ashton was interesting in the Butterfly Effect. Gah, what happened?

As for New Moon, Cow and her fellows were alone in the back row laughing at the scenes. Did the Opera Muzak in the Roman Elevator go over everybody's head? It's so weird when friends are laughing at stuff in the movie and apparently the entire other audience consists of pod people who are mesmerized by the wolf-guy's abs, Bella's eyeballs or Pattison's hairdo. Which, admittedly, was not so pouffy (thank god) in this movie as the last one.

Obviously at $250M for opening weekend, New Moon needs no help from any reviewers. All Cow can say was she was disappointed in the entire lack of Topiary.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Topiary would like to wish everyone, whether they celebrate this American holiday or not, a Happy Thanksgiving.

A day where it is traditional to gather and consume lots 'o food.

Cow will be celebrating the Traditional Topiary Thanksgiving, which consists of:

--shopping for quantities of food;
--setting it out at the end of the driveway;
--secretly watching the raccoons, possums and other critters eat it.

Cow will also stop in at the local Topiary Mart for an express Thanksgiving meal and quick trim.

Here's hoping that everyone has a good meal, and perhaps considers putting out the leftovers for those struggling to survive the massive population onslaught of humans. Some call them vermin. Others call them...the possums and raccoons who share the feast.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Reading Roundup

As astute reader RJ has noted, Cow is an avid reader.
I was told there'd be cake is a collection of short stories by young city-dweller Sloane Crosley who refutes some city stereotypes by revealing in one essay that her wallet has been returned to her no fewer than 7 times after she lost it or left it behind. Other stories touch on locking herself out twice in one day and being a bridesmaid for a friend from high school she hadn't seen or heard from in 20 years. Funny and charming.

Sarah Vowell's Take the Cannoli prompted Cow to rent The Godfather, because of her story on relating The Godfather to her life. Excerpt.

Women of the West has been a wonderful book to help get through the day. Each chapter is one woman's story of their trip West, from their diaries. Recommended for making you feel very grateful for whatever you have.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

He's the One!

The Natchez Trace has loads o' little stopping places where there is a sign that something historic happened there, or a trail, a river, whatnot.

Usually one sees families with overloaded cars or RVs, kids running around. Cow pulled up at this one and amazingly enough, there was a single guy, sitting at a table with his lunch and a bunch of maps spread out before him.

Gee, Cow thought to herself, a single guy, of apparently appropriate age, also enjoying the historic sights of Natchez....this could be something! She got out of her car, and started to walk up to the sign.

"Do you know how many miles to the next burial mound?" he called out to Cow.

Oh dear. Not only did Cow not know, but it sadly put her mind out of the "this guy might be nice" into the "this guy might try to murder me alone at this area and bury my body with the dead Indians" mode.

Cow stammered that she had passed several burial mounds but didn't know exactly how far they were, quickly got back into the Topiarymobile and drove off (pausing only to snap a picture through her windshield).

So much for meeting the love of her life that Sunday morning along the Natchez Trace.

Rueful Moo!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Trip Photo Essay

Topiary got away for a few days visiting Natchez, Mississippi. Settled first by the French in 1716, later by the British in 1763, the Spanish in 1779, and finally by the Americans in 1798, the route into Natchez, called the Natchez Trace, originally a buffalo trail and later used by Native Americans and early settlers is now called the Natchez Trace Parkway. The Parkway runs 450 miles between Nashville and Natchez, a green and peaceful route dotted with interpretive exhibits, 18th century inns, and picnic sites. Topiary hopped on the Trace from her home and rode down to Natchez, always keeping an eye out for Topiary bounding across the road.

Reservations awaited at The Briars historic plantation home, now a bed and breakfast and site for weddings. Perched clifftop overlooking the Mississippi River the landscaped grounds and historic plantation home were beautiful yet restful. Hours could easily be spent watching barges being pushed up the river and watching the river flow by.

Dinner was at the nearby Monmouth Plantation (dining room pictured). Lots of good food and fun. The home has been completely renovated and now has two restaurants, gift shops and various accommodations.

Around 1800 there were over 500 families of millionaires living in Natchez, which is why there are so many beautiful homes and now-converted-to B&B mansions and plantations in this river city. Apparently there was a lot of money made in shipping and selling goods in Natchez.

Topiary left reflecting how nice rooms are when the ceilings are 15 feet tall, how lovely roads could be if there were landscaped green spaces next to all of them, and how nicely situated a house could be if you claimed the land back in 1797.

Topiary hopes you like her pictures from her trip!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


So the Wall Street firms tank, and the housing market crashes in response to all these foreclosures coming on the market. So lots'o'companies have difficulties, including those which do business overseas.

So overseas companies start not wanting our dollars, and start buying gold, and surprise, the gold price goes sky-high. Meanwhile interest rates are at zero, so there's no point, really, in putting or keeping money in the bank.

This illustrates why it is always best to keep your assets in sharpened Topiary shears and live in a hedge, or better yet, just BE a hedge.

Friday, November 06, 2009


So here's the unvarnished, untrimmed Topiary.

A couple years ago neighbor and friend offered her husband's handy-man services. Which Topiary was very glad to have.

Topiary ALWAYS paid this guy, paid of course for all parts, and always was courteous without ever flirting. Because, a) he is married, and b) he is a friend's husband.

Of course no matter how businesslike one tries to be with these people they ALWAYS get the wrong idea. And of course no matter how nicely you do it they ALWAYS get offended.

Topiary doesn't mind about the guy...and in fact has found a better handyman anyway, who is happily married so no complications.

What Topiary regrets is losing the friend. Topiary doesn't make friends easily. Topiary of course never mentioned to the wife anything about her classless, low-life, hitting-on-women would-be cheater of a husband. It might have hurt her feelings that she was married to such a worthless piece of crap. And Topiary hoped that it would blow over.

But the atmosphere last few times Topiary visited has been downright frosty.

Question: Should Topiary attempt to clear the air by talking forthrightly to her friend (your husband DID hit on me but can we please still be friends since nothing happened except I turned his worthless ass down and he got his feelings hurt)?

Or, should Topiary just kiss off this lady's friendship?

And count among those painful life lessons: never let a friend's husband do home repairs where you are alone at your house for they will inevitably get the wrong idea?

Questioning moo!

PS the rescued cat is doing excellently!

Thursday, November 05, 2009


Why do the married seek out single people? It is so fundamentally dishonest and cowardly.

If you're unhappy in your marriage or with your pick of partner, have the guts to end it and face the world on your ownsome rather than trying to knit up a security blanket of the opposite sex while keeping your safe, risk-free married environment.

Basically, married men looking to play around make this Cow reach for her sharpest Topiary Trimmers.

And words cannot express her loathing for those who take a family pet and dump it on a dead-end road.

ERRRR! Topiary is ranting today, and needs a quick visit to Topiary World Domination Headquarters and its map of conquered countries for a pick-me-up.