Dilemma
So here's the unvarnished, untrimmed Topiary.A couple years ago neighbor and friend offered her husband's handy-man services. Which Topiary was very glad to have.
Topiary ALWAYS paid this guy, paid of course for all parts, and always was courteous without ever flirting. Because, a) he is married, and b) he is a friend's husband.
Of course no matter how businesslike one tries to be with these people they ALWAYS get the wrong idea. And of course no matter how nicely you do it they ALWAYS get offended.
Topiary doesn't mind about the guy...and in fact has found a better handyman anyway, who is happily married so no complications.
What Topiary regrets is losing the friend. Topiary doesn't make friends easily. Topiary of course never mentioned to the wife anything about her classless, low-life, hitting-on-women would-be cheater of a husband. It might have hurt her feelings that she was married to such a worthless piece of crap. And Topiary hoped that it would blow over.
But the atmosphere last few times Topiary visited has been downright frosty.
Question: Should Topiary attempt to clear the air by talking forthrightly to her friend (your husband DID hit on me but can we please still be friends since nothing happened except I turned his worthless ass down and he got his feelings hurt)?
Or, should Topiary just kiss off this lady's friendship?
And count among those painful life lessons: never let a friend's husband do home repairs where you are alone at your house for they will inevitably get the wrong idea?
Questioning moo!
PS the rescued cat is doing excellently!
posted by The Topiary Cow at
1:03 PM
17 Comments:
Ah, I did wonder.
Now, there is a thing about men that is most annoying (not all men). They think that an unattached woman must be desperate for a bit of rumpy pumpy even if it comes from a married guy - especially if she is past the age of 35.
Oh, and they think that a middle aged married woman might be up for it as well (but not as much as a single one).
Well, you could ask her if she is angry at you for getting a new handyman. You can then perhaps let her do the asking (as to why did you fire him) and then lay it on the table.
However, once she knows it will be seen as YOUR fault because you are the female. For if she believes you then she has to confront her husband and that is not always easy to do. Then she has to do something about it (drama/leave) or nothing (victim). The word "denial" comes to mind.
I am thinking she would not be surprised anyway as things would not be okay in the marriage for a man to be sniffing where he should not.
Basically you are in a no win situation.
Just realised my advice was completely useless.
Occam's Razor: She's your friend, not him, so why do you have to visit their house to see her? Suggest drinkies, lunch and gossip somewhere convivial ("let's get out and let our hair down for a change!") and see how the relationship goes then.
a tough one. what do you think is the right thing to do?
i probably wouldn't tell her -- i can't see that anyone would gain much. as others have said, she might well blame the messenger and may already have her suspicions (even if denied) about her dog of a husband. (sorry about the negative mammal reference, Cow. besides, i love dogs. let's just say that bum of a husband.)
if you really want to keep her friendship, i'd need more info. did you actually fire her husband? if not and you just haven't called him, could you just say that you're not using a repairman anymore or your new guy is really, really super cheap and you need to save the money or something like that? stretching the truth is tough though -- we always seem to get caught.
on a totally different topic, your comment on Linda's blog cracked me up. i was chortling away at work until my evil sister-in-law, aka., my boss asked what was so funny. she always ruins a good time.
I'm guessing she knows the truth, she just doesn't want to admit it to herself; it's easier to blame you. Let it go; when she's ready she'll be back. Until then ...
Mr Dog House sounds right to me. It's difficult to be friends with a woman whose husband wants to have an affair with you. Wait until they divorce perhaps...
"They think that an unattached woman must be desperate"
Yes. Unfortunately.
There really needs to be a universally understood code which says: "I'm interested and available."
It would save so many misunderstandings.
"once she knows it will be seen as YOUR fault because you are the female"
Yup. Like somehow I invited this.
Lovely Linda is right...it is much easier for my former friend to blame me than to look at herself (horribly overweight) or her marriage (husband now helping other women in the neighborhood on weekends)
Such a shame because it's hard to find someone who reads books and talks intelligently about them; likes some of the same movies and has a sense of humor.
Topiary thinking Linda is right, no win, and time to kiss this off.
Thank you for your insightful comments, Linda!
Kevin:
Ah, how generous of you to grace the small Topiary post with Occam's Razor, which Cow fuzzily remembers from school.
It's funny how friendships develop--Topiary usually stopped at her house, sometimes we just visited and other times we did make plans for lunch, etc.
Topiary did suggest lunch or shopping last time but the Topiary Phone never ringy-dingied.
Rule of Topiary: If you value the friendship, try a few times, don't just give up. Topiary has stopped by now 3 times over the past few months without a return phone call, invitation nor plan to meet to do something fun.
Topiary thanks you graciously for your analogy and as always, your "guy point of view" which is, at present, very lacking in Topiary real-life.
Moo!
Weight:
Ah, Cow so appreciates your sensitivity to negative animal references (being a Cow herself of course!)
Topiary very proud and fluffed up that her comment made Weight laugh on Lovely Linda's blog!
Neighbor would just stop by occasionally asking if she needed any repairs..and then when the true price became obvious (in addition to the cost of labor and parts which Cow of course was already paying)Cow's Negative Response to the Extracurricular Activity caused the bum to leave in a huff and make his displeasure clear when Topiary was next invited to one of his wife's parties.
Thank goodness Cow has found a new handyman.
Moo!
Dog: How nice of you to visit! (and so glad Weight retracted her negative dog reference so your feelings weren't hurt!)
Cow appreciates your viewpoint and likes your cheerfulness. Cow will be adopting your viewpoint that perhaps, at some time in the future, the friendship may return.
Moo!
Gorilla:
Cow thanks you for your astute comment, and always appreciates having the Male Gorilla point of view.
Oh that this were the Congo where you could either drop him at the top of a tree or teach him Gorilla manners.
Cow graciously thanks you for visiting her humble blog.
Moo!
Well I agree with what everyone said, there's probably not a lot to do about it at this point...but they said it better and before me.
Sorry about your friend. It is tough, but if she's not willing to acknowledge the things that are going on in her life, nothing will get better (and it's not your job to point that out, I guess).
Everyone has suggested the same stuff as I would, I'm afraid that you are between a rock and a had place.
Years ago a friend cut me off because she thought her husband was having an affair with me when in fact I never saw him without her, he never propositioned me, but he was being very naughty elsewhere.
Fairly recently I discovered that he would tell her that he was popping over to "help Lulu with something that needed fixing when he was off seeing one of his fancy women"!!
Sorry Miss Moo has gone through all this stuff. It does explain a comment that I read one time directed toward The Invisible Man.
Linda, a bit of rumpy pumpy? Oh my. Learned something again.
(locking up tools in the garage)
Sari: thank you for visiting!
Yes, it is sad. Why this woman thinks that I would be interested in her fat, bald, un-intellectual husband with wandering hands is just beyond her.
Lulu: that is disgusting. Horrid the things people do when you are completely innocent.
Cow would be tempted to send this guy a bill--since he never actually fixed anything nor showed up at all, it was (at least theoretically) a waste of your time! Ha!
RJ: Thanks, your viewpoint is always welcome!
I've lost three female friendships this way, and nearly my sister.
There's nothing worse than a friend's husband trying it on, and having to SOMEHOW tactfully turn him down. It's a disgusting corner to be in. There doesn't ever seem to be a good answer for it, other than for the man to just stop, and that would never happen.
I told one friend about it. She acted all understanding about it, but then we are no longer friends anyway. We just drifted apart quickly (her decision) and I no longer even speak to her. Another friend told me she did not want to know such things and so I never told her. That told me that somewhere deep down, she knew. It became so impossible to be around them, that I stopped going there. She was confused for a while, but then stopped calling. My sisters jackass ex constantly harassed me while I was there. That was the worst. I told my sister, got the wailing and gnashing of teeth, and she ended up divorcing him due to his AND her many infidelities, and she didn't speak to me for over a year due to how "hurt" she was over her husband's advances toward me.
So unfair, for a man to place a woman in such a position. Bastard.
Above all, I do try to be honest. If the friendship goes sour, it wasn't much of a friendship after all, and that's what I try to tell myself. Somehow it helps. But now I'm fairly lonesome, and don't want to make friends because it hurts to lose a friendship in such a way.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Boo on the husband!!! Haven't read any responses yet, so here goes. My 2cents as a single women who has had to deal with her fair share of creeps:
I suspect the frosty response is because he got to her with some sort of story that would make you seem like a crazy bitch if you appear with a story saying he hit on you. Philandering husbands are good at that little game. Bet you $100 he told her you hit on him and he was shocked and horrified and when he turned you down you went all psycho on him. She won't believe a word you say.
ok. Maybe not, now that I've read the responses and the additional info you've provided. lol.
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